Latest example of potential porn found in everyday life: the Juicy Fruit flavor, Strappleberry. Picture that name in lights (or at least on the box of the latest strap-on fetish girl-on-girl AVN Top 10 hit): Strappleberry Jones and the Temple of Poon. By the way, the actual gum tastes like rancid Nerds. Highly not recommended.
As I said earlier this week, I quit smoking on Monday. As of right now, I'm just short of 68 hours smoke-free. For me, this is a serious, serious achievement. I never wanted it bad enough before, or I would be doing it for someone else, then they started smoking again, and I said fuck it, or I just didn't feel like I really wanted to quit. I'll be honest, it really is like a fog has been lifted. I don't mean to get all hokey on you, but really, this is weird. Obviously, I can smell better...I don't think my nose has been this clear in a very, very long time. I haven't noticed it yet, but apparently my sense of taste will improve (or return, at least), and my clothes will stop smelling like smoke. My car won't smell like smoke, my mustache will not smell like smoke (when I have one). Here's a new reality discovered after quitting, and this comes from a friend who just quit last week. She said she feels like a fog has been lifted, and she explained that a little more last night. Now it makes complete sense, and she's absolutely right. If you're a smoker, I know you've done this, in fact, I'm positive. Smoking can be used to avoid a situation. Most of the time, the situation is conflict, confrontation, or intimacy. Wow, do I ever know the reality of all three. So what do you do when you no longer have cigarettes to help you run away? Confront. At least, that's what I'll do, and I'm thinking I'm going to be a lot happier because of it.
Last night, an interesting conversation came up. Have you ever thought about midwiffery? Yes, I said it: midwhiffery. I'm referring to midwifin'. This is real, there are actually people out there who do this. I guess the spelling could go either way. I think it's more fun if you get the 'h' involved, because then it sounds like something involving whiffle ball. It does, kinda. A midwife is someone who helps a new mother have her baby in the comfort of her own home, or wherever it is that she wants to have the baby. Apparently, even though the practice is very old, it's starting to get common again. It seems that one who midwifes can be considered a 'catcher'. In fact, this is the term used to describe the act of, uh, receiving. So, does this mean that the father is the pitcher? Or is he the outfielder? These questions baffle me. The catcher is the whiffer, in a sense the mother is the batter (because she's throwin' the ball), a home-run is a successful hit, a c-section is a walk, and a foul ball is just too depressing to be discussing in this article. I was just thinking...if two men want to have a baby, do they get a designated hitter to step in? And what about midwives who 'catch' their own babies, would this be autowiffery?
why don't you quit smoking, and see what kind of nonsense comes out of your sleep-deprived mind?
That question was overheard today at work. Being said, it can only mean a few things. Unfortunately, this time it means that the ladies are listening to old Madonna in the office today. Considering that it's now been a little over twenty-six hours since I quit smoking, my normal tolerance for subpar '80s pop music is not at it's usual level. I may soon step on someone's throat, and I think I know whose. My supervisor was supposed to be out all of last week, then yesterday and today. As usual, he came back a day early. I strolled in about 10 minutes late, thinking nothing of it, and suddenly I start getting interrogated. He already knows the answers to the questions, he only asks them to make sure I was doing my job (and his) while he was gone. It's so absurd, it makes me feel like I'm in grade school or something.
Argh. Can anyone out there say malaise, boys and girls? This is what I'm feeling. Since 9:30pm last night (Sunday), I have only had three cigarettes. This....is because I have quit smoking. I've been a smoker ever since that one day in 1993, when I was out with my friend Ray, and I actually said, "hey, let's go to 7-11 and get some cigarettes, I wanna try that." Seriously. I actually said that. So, I got a pack of Pall Malls, because that's what I remember my dad smoking, and I liked the smell of the smoke when I was little. Of course, I gagged and coughed the first time I lit up. I think it wasn't until about ten cigarettes, and about a week later before the first time that I actually inhaled properly. Cigarette buzz....ahhhhhh. I haven't had that feeling in a real long time. This is so hard. I've said "I'm quitting" a million times, only to wake up the next morning, drive straight to the gas station and buy a pack. Or, I've been in the car and just got so sick of it, that I tossed a pack out the window. That's been happening ever since the first week, up until just last month. Yet, here I sit smoke free right now, so that's good. I suppose it doesn't help that I've had some things going on in my life lately that would normally make me want to smoke: nerves, stress, anxiety, hating work, anxiety...but I guess all that's just part of quitting right? Whatever. I want to try to stop taking years off my life, I want my sense of smell, I want to taste food for real. There's so much food I've never tasted without being a smoker. I think I might have a perpetual sinus infection, too, this might help stop that. A friend who quit just last week told me that she felt like she just came out of a twelve-year fog by quitting...she's been walking around her house smelling everything, because she's never really known how things smelled until now. I want that. That, and I'm sure socially, some things could change, too. Women who don't smoke seem to not want to date men who do.
It's been a long time since I've posted here when drunk. Tonight is one of those nights. I only have a few things to say: for some reason, Danzig buying a house where the water taps emit elfin blood is highly entertaining in cartoon form. Also, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about dollar store thongs and O.G. Hippies.
Free show, free food, free swimming, and free Detroit! This Sunday, at the Garden Bowl, in beautiful downtown Detroit, they're havin' a patio party. I know, I know, this sounds familiar. That's because they've already had one patio party this year. Well, that one was so big, that they decided to do it again. There will be bands playing on a flatbed truck, free BBQ (including Ginger's special Buffalo wings), and a small swimming pool set up in the back of a pickup truck parked on Woodward. The event starts at 2pm, the first band, The Doctor's Prescription (former members of Bluesong, and a current member of the Detroit City Council) should be playing around 3pm. After that is Serrated Edge, Detroit's first and only Dead Milkmen cover band (RIP Dave Blood) which features members of the Amino Acids and the Jollys, lastly is Detroit's newest punk rocknroll band, the Whiskey Diaries. Check it out this Sunday. Highly recommended.
Here's a bulletin from Ms. Zeta Doobayash:
Calling all Detroit Area Peace Activists....The Michigan Emergency Committee Against War in Iraq is organizing a public protest against the Iraq war and occupation of Iraq. George W. Bush will be addressing the Urban League convention.
MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD!
Friday July 23rd 9AM - 11AM(he is speaking at 10 AM at the UrbanLeague Convention)
Gather at Washington Blvd and Jefferson(in front of Cobo Hall)
Bring SIGNS! Signs explain the reason for protest topassersby and TV audiences.'HONK' signs remind passersby to register their reaction.
PROTEST BUSH AT COBO TODAY
HONK to Protest Iraq War
HONK for peace in Iraq
HONK to bring the troops home
HONK to end the occupation of Iraq
BUSH divides us
He Lied, They Died
'W' = Wrong on the War
NO to Empire
Bush evaded the draft
WAR is a Defeat for Humankind
IRAQ, Unprovoked War
Iraq War - No Connection to 9/11
raise your voice!
So...apparently, Dubya's daughters, Jenna and Barbara have joined him while he's on the campaign trail. Most likely a move concocted by his campaign staff to make him more appealing to young (and usually more progressive) voters, as well as family-minded voters. Yesterday, after getting into a limo at the airport, Jenna (the Bush offspring who has already followed in her father's footsteps with an assortment of alcohol related crimes) felt the need to stick out her tongue at reporters. Who the fuck cares? If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to inject a little bit of levity into your situation? This incident has been reported around the world today. Honestly, it's not like it's a slow news day. It's a freakin' election year! There's never a slow news day in an election year! So what, she's human. I'd rather know that she's a little bit goofy than think that she's too serious. Shit, she's all set to follow in Daddy's footsteps (not in politics, but as a party-loving offspring of a politician), why not have some fun?
Random annoyances and irritations for today/this week so far:
People who feel the need to put stickers across the windshields of their cars proclaiming what kind of vehicle they're driving should be forced to get the word "moron" tattooed on their foreheads, tit for tat and all that...same goes for those who feel the need to put 'wings' on K-Cars...speaking of cars, the people of Detroit need to learn to deal with motorcyclists and bicyclists - just because you have two more wheels than us, it doesn't mean you can't share the road! Note to Detroiters: bicyclists and motorcyclists are perfectly legal to ride on the same road as you, so don't feel the need to try and make them fall every chance you get you piece of shit in the blue Malibu...As much as I like the air conditioning here in the office, I hate stepping outside and feeling how hot it is, and I can't help wishing I was on a boat somewhere in the middle of Lake Huron, so far out that I can't see land...I hate that I smoke out of boredom, and feel like I have little control over it....I hate the little decals that people put on their cars that look like bullet holes...you want bullet holes in your car? I'll give you some real ones - that'll make your inner thug happy, won't it? Eh, that's enough for today.
RIP, 3/4 of the Exploding Hearts...
Sleeping Aides & Razorblades
well i felt so bad when i heard that song,
ya know it's been such a long long time,
it's a little offbeat and it ain't in tune ya know it's just like this heart of mine
and it hurt
when you went away
and all i wanted you to do was stay
going steady ya we had big plans,
but your friends said it wouldn't last,
it was up to you to prove them wrong,
but you couldn't even do that
and if it hurt, when you left,
ya know you're only hurtin' yourself
ya know the first night you left me babe, it was so hard,
and it didn't hurt you told all my friends i'm a retard
and ya say you know what's best for me,
well if you got your way, i'd have a lobotomy
i got new girls and i'm runnin' around,
the house doesn't look the same,
i hung new posters on my wall and the dog don't remember your name
and if it hurt, when you left,
ya know you're hurtin' yourself
you can try to change your heart, that's true,
but ya never ever ever do
ohhhh baby you never ever do
i'll tell you something, you never ever do
sleeding aides
and razorblades,
tear stained pictures of younger days,
broken mirrors and a bloody nose,
late night tv rerun episodes
For 23 years, I've wandered this earth with a pair of plastic lenses sitting in front of my eyes. I was always able to ignore the frames and not let them impair my vision. But lately, it seems different. Besides the myriad of personal issues that are suddenly clearer to me (for no apparent reason), I feel like everything I look at through the frames of my glasses has more beauty. It doesn't matter if it's a hooker on the corner by my house saying hi to me as I drive by, or if it's the cute girl I hung out and smoked cigarettes out in the rain with this afternoon, I just feel like everything has newfound beauty to me. I guess this all probably sounds a little cheesy, but I'm totally serious. Maybe it's because my job has become much more interesting lately, and I actually feel like I'm a manager (I should - I am management!). Maybe it's all the interesting new people I've met lately. I don't know, maybe it's all the old friends I saw this weekend who made me think of different times and showed me how much I've evolved. Either way, it seems that I've turned into a true aesthete (one who professes great sensitivity to the beauty of art and nature), I can find the beauty in anything. Okay, I'm done, and for any of you out there who feel the need to make a joke about this, go fuck yourselves, mmmkay.
Maybe it's just because I work in video and broadcasting, and I have a better grasp on these things than the average person, but I think TV Zimbabwe is run by people who don't know anything about TV and broadcasting. I was reading an article today in the Cape Times online by John Scott. The article is an interview with Solly Solinga, the spokesperson for Zimbabwean TV, which is state-run. Zimbabwean TV has decided to ban the color red from the color spectrum because it symbolizes the opposition political party, the Movement for Democratic Change. According to Solinga, "We can do what we like with the spectrum, whatever that is." So, their spokesman obviously knows nothing of broadcasting. If anyone knows anything about how a TV screen works, they know that there are tiny red, green, and blue phosphorescent pixels embedded in the glass of a TV screen. An electron gun in the back of a TV fires at the back side of the screen, and makes different pixels glow brighter or darker at the right times to make up the right colors. So, basically, there are basically only three colors on a TV screen that make up all colors. So, with this technology in mind, I read the article in complete disbelief. I had to research to find out if it was satire or not. I found an article on New Zimbabwe online on the same topic, except it wasn't an interview, just a statement about the new law against the color red on TV. Apparently, the deal is that they can't film or show anything that's red, they aren't actually requiring producers or engineers to remove all red from the video signal. That would just be idiotic. Not that the whole idea isn't idiotic, I mean c'mon, really. I started reading further, and found that the current regime in Zimbabwe has also recently decided to start using ox-drawn horse-carts as ambulances, because actual motorized vehicles are too expensive. Their state-run train company has also gone back to using steam engines because the diesel and electric engines were too costly. Is it just me, or does it seem like their dictator should be focusing more on motorized ambulances than how offended he is at seeing his competitor's colors on TV? It just sounds so ridiculously absurd. It's like if we were living in 1982, and Ron Reagan decided to ban the colors red and yellow from TV because those were the colors on the Soviet Union's flag. Give me a fucking break! I didn't realize there were any truly pathetic dictators left in the world. No, I'm not talking about Saddam, I'm talking about the fascists who run tiny countries or provinces like Haiti or Somalia or Kosovo like they're in the Third Reich. At least there's one good thing about living in present-day America: we have no small-minded men with big heads and God complexes running around making decisions. Oh, wait, nevermind...
Can someone please tell me who thought it was a good idea for a crappy nu-alterna-crap band like Shine On to cover "Simple Man" from Lynyrd Skynyrd? I feel sick every time I walk in a room and it's on the radio. Makes me want to vomit. I could probably handle it if the (probably shaved bald, with a thin goatee, and wears lots of black) singer could actually sing, but his weak, throaty vocals are making Ronnie Van Zant spin in his grave. Hopefully, Blink 182 or the White Stripes come out with another single soon, so they can overshadow crap like Shine On.
For those of you who are not in Detroit right now, it is humid here. Very, very humid. The air is so wet, I don't need to wash my car. My office has some visitors from Dallas, TX right now, and earlier today, they were walking out of the office to go get lunch. One of 'em said "wow, it's cold out, grab your sweater." I was speechless. Obviously, it's a very hot dry heat in Texas, but they've been here for two days, and no it was not cold. It was probably over 90 when this happened. Stupid Texans.
Okay, I know I probably say this way too much, but honestly, what the fuck is going on in this world? According to today's edition of the Chicago Tribune, "Soon, Rome's beloved Pantheon, the former pagan temple that has survived through the ages in the heart of the city, will become the first Roman antiquity to be covered by ads." Why? The organization behind all of this, Italia Nostra, an environmental agency that is working to link up advertisers with restoration projects, they're selling advertising space on scaffolding being used to restore the antiquities. So, according to people against the project, the Italia Nostra is using restoration as an excuse to put up scaffolds so they can post their advertisements on some of the most prime ad-space in the world. Sounds like bullshit to me. Is nothing sacred anymore?
I've recently decided that the band Dillinger Four, from Minneapolis, MN was sent here from another planet to save us all from late '90s punk rock mediocrity. Believe it. Go out and find "Situationist Comedy," "Versus God," or "Tales of the Midwestern Americas," and catch what I'm kicking. You can't go wrong with a band whose prime lyricist is a smart-ass who went to college for philosophy and a guitarist who owns a bar.
There was a time, here at the office, when I thought the multi-colored paperclips were talking to me. I thought they were trying to tell me something. Then I just realized that they were actually in conversation with the stapler, not me. I'm glad I figured out that one. Thought I was losing it.
I don't know when or why I suddenly became so affected by news and current events. It certainly wasn't in school. I've always cared more about studying past mistakes to avoid them in the future. For some reason, I started religiously becoming acquainted with what's going on in the world. This probably happened somewhere around the age of 24, when I was working at the Media Lab at Wayne State University in Detroit. Most days, there wasn't shit to do, so I just sat on the computer all day and read the news. Now it's part of my daily routine: I get up at 6:30am, go outside to smoke a cigarette and drink some juice, then I go sit down in front of the laptop to find out what's going on in the world. Later, when I get to work, the first thing I do is open up an Explorer window on my computer where my homepage is set to Drudge Report, a centrist international news outlet run by journalist and Capitol Hill gossip Matt Drudge. All day long, while waiting for other work-related internet pages to open, I maximize the window with Drudge Report in it. So, basically, I'm reading up to the minute news all damned day. I'm an information junkie, I can't get enough of it. So, it seems like ever since I started really paying attention to what's going on in the world, it's starting to feel more and more like we're living in the middle of a novel about conspiracy theory. Presidents creating wars to boost the economy? Using terrorism with no intelligence to back it up as a reason to possibly postpone this year's presidential elections? I feel like we're living in 11th century England or something. Do we have no say in these matters? Did Dubya roll up a fat joint using the Constitution on the day he was inaugurated? Do you realize that Tricky Dick Cheney will most likely be prosecuted by France and the American Securities and Exchange Commission for crimes relating to his work with his former company Hallburton? I'm so sick of this shit. If more Americans read the news, I think we wouldn't have to worry about Dubya being president for another four years. Then again, we may have to put up with him anyway if the ghostly unfounded terror threat is real.
What I do for a living is not easy to explain. A good start would be to tell you that everytime you see a commercial on TV or hear one on the radio for a big national company, someone had to ship that commercial (also known as a "spot" in the industry) to the stations. That's where my company comes in. I don't want to say the name of it, because while I don't love my job, I don't loathe it, either, and would like to keep it. I specifically don't deal with that end of things. My company provides an array of services, but the biggest is broadcast distribution, which I just described above. What I do is work with an extension of one of our clients. They are the second biggest client for this local office. I'm the one and only frontline contact for an account worth almost a million dollars a year for my company, but you'd never know it based on my hourly. So, basically, what I handle are all of the requests that come from this extension of the bigger client. I coordinate the duplication and distribution of compilation reels of spots for internal meetings between the client and their clients. I also deal with all of the weird shit that comes through here like trying to get a VHS tape with four spots on it to a hotel on Maui within less than 8 hours. I can do it, but it'll cost you. A lot. Anyway, my office is in the Detroit area, so of course our biggest client is a carmaker. We have four other offices around the country. Our biggest client is a big film/theme park company, but we don't deal with that here. Here in the D it's all about cars. Big, shiny chunks of gleaming plastic and steel. Our primary contacts are this one automaker's advertising agencies. They give us the spots, instructions as to where to send them, and a heaping dose of bullshit. Don't get me wrong, many of the people we deal with from the agencies are very intelligent people and very good at their jobs. On the other hand, many of them are complete idiots and I'm shocked that an accredited university would actually give them a Bachelor's degree in anything besides physical education. It's truly depressing to be complimented on a daily basis for how well you deal with pressure, deadlines, aggravating client requests, and general BS from the clients yet at the end of the day, you know that these idiots make twice the amount of money you make and all they do is go through the motions. Is it just me, or is it good to know everything you possibly can about your job and the events that affect it? Is thorough documentation of your actions at the office really a bad thing? How about accountability? Responsibility? Obviously, I shouldn't be working in an office setting, but it seems to be something I'm good at (not the office, but handling the account I work with). I actually like it. Sort of. I just hate knowing that the dolts on the other end of the phone line are making so much more money than me without actually knowing what it is they're doing. I can't get hired to replace them because my uncle doesn't own the company, I'm not female and hot, I'm not young, fresh and straight out of college with low expectations. In short, I'm overqualified. Almost daily, my counterparts at our LA office tell me that I could so easily move there and find a job right away with my skills, experience, and composure, but do I really want to move to LA? Hell no.
(to be continued)
Those of you who have been reading these posts from the beginning may remember that I am a bitch for the Big 3, and I hate it. They're holding me down. The Man keeps me here at work for 10-12 hours every day lately. This is why there haven't been many new posts to the blog. Sorry 'bout that. I promise I'll post some real rants soon. Very soon. In the meantime, go over there to the left and check out the links. Many of them are updated daily. I'll leave you with this thought: Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry and his running mate John Edwards (John squared?) think that they are better candidates than Dubya and Tricky Dick (the sequel) because they have "better hair." I haven't found the source of that quote yet, but I'll post it when I do.
Beware, gentle readers, for I am about to tackle a topic white people fear: the way African-Americans choose to raise their kids. This comes from no specific recent incident with me, this only comes from reading an article on Yahoo! News yesterday. So, a few days ago, at a Rainbow Coaltion (Jesse Jackson), Bill Cosby, Mr. Pudding Pop himself, had a few things to say...and it shocked people. This wasn't the first time, either. Last year's Emmy Awards show was hosted by several comedians who were roaming in the audience all throughout. At some point, Wanday Sykes approached Mr. Cosby, and was talking to him about the Cosby Show. His only response (without removing his sunglasses the whole time)..."At least we spoke English..." Yes, he slammed ebonics. I think most people took the comment as a one-time thing, and didn't think much of it. Riiiiight. Then, a few months later, in the presence of NAACP President Kweisi Mfume and other African-American leaders, he took aim at blacks who don't take responsibility for their economic status, blame police for incarcerations and teach their kids poor speaking habits. So, at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition & Citizenship Education Fund's annual conference on Thursday, he had some more things to say. I'm just going to repost the whole article from Yahoo!. I know it's lazy, but they wrote it, not me.
Bill Cosby went off on another tirade against the black community Thursday, telling a room full of activists that black children are running around not knowing how to read or write and "going nowhere."
He also had harsh words for struggling black men, telling them: "Stop beating up your women because you can't find a job."
Cosby made headlines in May when he upbraided some poor blacks for their grammar and accused them of squandering opportunities the civil rights movement gave them. He shot back Thursday, saying his detractors were trying in vain to hide the black community's "dirty laundry."
"Let me tell you something, your dirty laundry gets out of school at 2:30 every day, it's cursing and calling each other n------ as they're walking up and down the street," Cosby said during an appearance at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition & Citizenship Education Fund's annual conference.
"They think they're hip," the entertainer said. "They can't read; they can't write. They're laughing and giggling, and they're going nowhere."
In his remarks in May at a commemoration of the anniversary of the Brown v. Board of Education desegregation decision, Cosby denounced some blacks' grammar and said those who commit crimes and wind up behind bars "are not political prisoners."
"I can't even talk the way these people talk, 'Why you ain't,' 'Where you is' ... and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk," Cosby said then. "And then I heard the father talk ... Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth."
Cosby elaborated Thursday on his previous comments in a talk interrupted several times by applause. He castigated some blacks, saying that they cannot simply blame whites for problems such as teen pregnancy and high school dropout rates.
"For me there is a time ... when we have to turn the mirror around," he said. "Because for me it is almost analgesic to talk about what the white man is doing against us. And it keeps a person frozen in their seat, it keeps you frozen in your hole you're sitting in."
Cosby lamented that the racial slurs once used by those who lynched blacks are now a favorite expression of black children. And he blamed parents.
"When you put on a record and that record is yelling `n----- this and n----- that' and you've got your little 6-year-old, 7-year-old sitting in the back seat of the car, those children hear that," he said.
He also condemned black men who missed out on opportunities and are now angry about their lives.
"You've got to stop beating up your women because you can't find a job, because you didn't want to get an education and now you're (earning) minimum wage," Cosby said. "You should have thought more of yourself when you were in high school, when you had an opportunity."
Cosby appeared Thursday with the Rev. Jesse Jackson, founder and president of the education fund, who defended the entertainer's statements.
"Bill is saying let's fight the right fight, let's level the playing field," Jackson said. "Drunk people can't do that. Illiterate people can't do that."
Cosby also said many young people are failing to honor the sacrifices made by those who struggled and died during the civil rights movement.
"Dogs, water hoses that tear the bark off trees, Emmett Till," he said, naming the black youth who was tortured and murdered in Mississippi in 1955, allegedly for whistling at a white woman. "And you're going to tell me you're going to drop out of school? You're going to tell me you're going to steal from a store?"
Cosby also said he wasn't concerned that some whites took his comments and turned them "against our people."
"Let them talk," he said.
