My Head Exploded

...it exploded right after I saw this...

Money Don't Get Me Down, But I Can't Make It Last

THE GOOD

• Oslo - Downtown Detroit's only sushi bar has been open for just over a year and is known for inconsistent food quality. However, I was down there on Friday with some friends, and the sushi was excellent. We even converted someone into a sushi lover. More info available online here.
• American Spirit Cigarettes - After years and years of going back and forth between Camel Lights, Parliament Lights, and American Spirits, it finally happened. I've turned into one of those smokers who only wants to smoke American Spirits. This doesn't mean that if I'm broke and someone offers me a Kool I won't take it. A cigarette's a cigarette, after all. As long as the nicotine is quickly delivered to my lungs, I'm happy, but if I'm payin' for it, I want American Spirit yellows (lights) or greens (mediums).
• Star of India - Attentive service, tasty dishes, jasmine basmati rice, pickled radish relish for samosa, and pink linen table cloths. One of my favorite Indian restaurants in the Detroit area. Located in Ferndale on 9 Mile just west of Woodward. Low-fi menu listing located here.
• Northern Lights Lounge - located on West Baltimore in Detroit's New Center area (between Second and Third). I think this was briefly (or for a long time up until recently?) called the Tandem Lounge. Either way, if you're familiar with Greg Visee (aka Kegger), this is his bar. Greg's past projects include Detroit's Motor Lounge, Corner Productions, and 313.Detroit, a Detroit-centric internet radio station. The place looks like something you would've referred to as a martini bar five years ago. But it doesn't feel that way. Its dark, which I like, and the light fixtures and furniture are all of a tasteful yet not cheesy Modern style. DJ Topcat was spinning (unfortunately not like a whirling dervish, that would've been better), which was good, the bartender was friendly with just enough attitude to make you want her, prices were decent, and they have one of those weird long table-top curling/hockey/bocce type games. You know, the one with the round metal discs that you slide down the lane and try to knock your opponents out of the high score area. Usually the lane is covered in a granulated wax. It was fun. Oh, there's an article from the Free Press about the bar here.
• Comcast On Demand - A whole new world has opened up for me. This would have happened sooner if the previous cable guy would have been a little more talkative. It probably would've helped if he could have given us the manual for On Demand, too. Now that I think of it, maybe if he could've shut off his goddamned cell phone for five minutes, he would've remembered to tell us about this. Cheers to yesterday's cable guy Chris. I've now seen the entire current season of "Entourage" as well as random music videos that I would normally never see on MTV2, and I can pause, fast forward, or rewind as I please. I can even stop and save a program for later! I had no idea.
• Dell Optiplex - I got a new computer at work. Finally, I can listen to music and it sounds decent. Also, I now have XP! I can left click on a taskbar item to open or close it. Life just got easier by a couple of increments.
• Six Feet Under - This original HBO series is proof that a TV series can still be entertaining, dramatic, emotional, and pioneering. I wish this wasn't the last season, I just discovered the show. You can read more about it on this HBO site.
• Wikipedia - If you're not already aware, Wikipedia is a massive online encyclopedia. The cool thing is that it can be edited and added to by anyone online. This means that there is constant new information, and enough users to check the info to make sure its correct. Also, each entry has many links to related topics. I could read this site all freakin' day. I love it.

THE BAD

• Money - I hate it. Period. I wish we could live in a world based more on the barter system. I'll trade you a mixed CD for a pack of cigarettes, okay?
• King Fahd - Saudi Arabia's King Fahd died on August 1st. This caused oil prices to rise? Why? Saudi Arabia is the world's biggest exporter of crude oil, this much is true. His death was thought to pose a possible threat to American/Saudi business relationships. But it didn't yet, and oil prices still went up. Oil futures and speculation is a fucking ridiculous affair. The output was not diminished, the working relationship (in the end) was not threatened, yet I still had to pay $2.52 a gallon for the cheap stuff a few days ago, and then $2.45 yesterday. Ri-goddamned-diculous. Oh, and King Abdullah has taken over the throne, and (apparently) all is well in the kingdom of the Arabian peninsula. But oil is still $64 a barrel.
• Work (or lack of) - Detroit's job market is so pathetic. Something has to change. Oh, I know, let's open up as many bars and restaurants as possible. Let's do what Royal Oak did, build lots of bars, restaurants, and lofts. Who needs businesses? I would think it would be a good idea to lure big corporations to Detroit because it would increase the tax base, and create more jobs in a market that's bone-dry right now, right?

THE WEIRD

• Macrobiotic lies - This came up in conversation a couple days ago. First, its important to know that two of the most basic beliefs of the macrobiotic diet are that you shouldn't eat anything processed, and you should only eat food native to the area you live in. There are some exceptions like if you have lived most of your life in a tropical area, but now live in Detroit, its okay to eat bananas, but over time you should eliminate them from your diet. So, I was telling my friend about this girl I knew who claimed to be macrobiotic. She had all kinds of books about it, and would talk (read: preach) about it all the frickin' time. But, she craved candy. No, not totally organic vegan bullshit, but highly processed, corn syrup-laden candy like licorice and Runts and crap like that. People, gummi worms are not native to Southeast Michigan. Hypocrites bother me.
• Dreamlife of nerds - Starting a couple years ago, I was dreaming in Windows (NT in particular, but occasionally XP). I would have dreams where I would have to minimize or maximize windows to see something or go somewhere. Then it turned into HTML, and I would be adding tags to make things bold or italicized for emphasis. Hyperlinks would be inserted to take me where I needed to go. Now, it gets even weirder, I'm dreaming in Photoshop. Polygonal lassos outline the shapes of things to come. I merge visible layers when I'm all done. Free transform is used to make turns. When that happens, I'm rotating my surroundings and I continue moving forward without turning. Is this odd?
• Beer and Peppers - Its true, beer really does help put out the fire of hot peppers in your mouth. Milk is supposed to be good, too, but there was none in sight, and I won't drink that feelthy cow-juice anyway. Note to self: raw jalapenos are much hotter than cooked ones. I don't know how I could've forgotten that. The cream cheese was so deceiving, and of little help.

Jet Black, Stone Cold

As Lennon/Lenin Roll In Their Graves...

...I assure you this is completely real:

This line of products were featured in the ProBush newsletter from the week of July 19th. I am thoroughly disgusted.

Stone Free

Last Saturday I was DJing, and I pulled out the most recent Roots album. I was listening to it through the headphones, trying to find a good track that would fit with whatever was playing at the time. One of the first tracks on it is called "Star." They heavily sample the song "Everybody Is A Star" from Sly & the Family Stone. Instead of playing the Roots, I ended up taking it out and putting in "Family Affair" from There's a Riot Goin' On from Sly.

I've always been fascinated by that band. It's soul and funk and rock and something never duplicated. Some people define the history of soul as pre-Sly & the Family Stone and post-Sly & the Family Stone.

Sly's real name is Sylvester Stewart. Early on, Sly and his brother Freddie combined their two bands (Sly & the Stoners and Freddie & the Stone Souls) in 1967 to form Sly & the Family Stone. They were the first major American rock band to have a multicultural lineup featuring men and women in key instrumental roles.

From 1967 to 1975 the band was pivotal in the development of soul, funk, and psychedelia. Along with the Chambers Brothers, they were the origin of psychedelic funk. They recorded five top ten hits, and four groundbreaking albums, which were a major influence on American pop and rock music.

In the '70s, the band's sound switched to a grittier drug-influenced funk. This is especially evident on the album "There's a Riot Goin' On." At that time, Sly was getting into cocaine and PCP a little too much, you could say. He was getting very jaded and bitter about the state of the world. By 1975, the band fell apart due to various problems including heavy drug use. Sly continued to record solo albums under the name Sly & the Family Stone until 1987 when he was arrested for possession of cocaine. After his release, Sly became reclusive. He stays at his home near Beverly Hills, where he lives with two female assistants and records in his home studio. Apparently in the late 1990s, he sported a blonde mohawk. Sounds like he was hangin' with the guys from Fishbone. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

I'll be honest, before I got curious, I really thought that Sly Stone died in the late '70s from a drug overdose. I don't think I ever heard or read it, I just assumed. Maybe because he's been so reclusive and I figured that if he were still alive, he' still be recording or at least somewhat in the public eye. Shit, George Clinton barely bothers to hide his proclivities toward smokin' rocks, so I figured Sly would be out around town, too.

Losing California

No idea who wrote this...it just showed up in my email inbox:

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

Pay No Mind To Us, We're Just a Minor Threat

Boredom consumed me yesterday. I intended to write stuff here, but then I came across something interesting. While reading memepool.com, I saw a post about a site that sounded like something I could waste a lot of time reading.

So, I went to Waiter Rant. There, I found what at first just seemed to be a waiter's typical complaints about customers. Having been a host, bartender, barback, and line cook, I figured I could relate. Some of the stories are really funny, some are a little too serious, and some are just downright shocking. After reading most of the archives, I found a common thread. This guy gets people. The stories about annoying or touching customer experiences are expected. But, his understanding of the psychology of the situations is what's so intriguing for me. You should go read it, especially if you've ever worked in a bar or restaurant.

I've Seen Color Changed By a Kiss

This morning, I was going through a CD wallet and I got to the last page. I was just trying to find something a little different than the same fifteen or so CDs that I've been listening to all week. On the last page, there was Yusef Lateef, Entombed, and Jane's Addiction. Not in the mood for jazz or the pathetic later album from sludge-metal gods Entombed, I pulled out Ritual de lo Habitual.

Does anyone remember the first time they heard this album? I know I bought it because I saw the video for "Been Caught Stealing" on MTV's "120 Minutes." In fact, I had to order it from the local record store because it wasn't out yet, but they had no plans to order it until I enquired. I had it on cassette because this was a couple months before I got my first CD player.

It was my first experience with a modern-rock epic. The White Album was already carefully etched on the inside of my skull, so I was familiar with the concept. But nothing I had already heard could have prepared me for this.

This morning, I got in the car, put in the CD, and headed to work. I had forgotten. I'd forgotten the stop/start rushes in "Stop!" and the funk of "No One's Leaving." I'd forgotten the "my sex and my drugs and my rock 'n' roll" bit that opens "Ain't No Right." The creepy stalker intro to "Three Days" and the later build up and money shot around the seven and a half minute mark had totally escaped me.

Fuck, how does this record still sound so fresh and exciting? After hearing too much of it long ago, I grew tired of Jane's Addiction, but I'm thinking of going and picking up some Porno for Pyros cuz I always liked them, too. Perry Farrell is one twisted, gifted weirdo.

Is There Life In This Cartoon?

Back in 1990, I got my first CD player for Christmas. I was 14. A lot of my friends already had CD players, and dammit, I wanted one, too! My grandma not only got me a Sony Discman, but she also gave me some money to buy CDs with because she had no idea what I would want. So, I waited until my paper route paid off a little bit and went shopping.

Unfortunately, the Port Huron area is a cultural black hole. There was a Harmony House, but those are expensive, and when I was 14, the Best Buy did not yet exist. In the old downtown area there was Full Moon Records which was kinda cool, but I barely knew it existed at that point. Up in the north end there was Full Moon's sister store, Blue Moon. That was also kinda cool, but full of stuff that I hadn't discovered yet and I wasn't into taking risks with music at that point. So, I went to the stupid Disc Jockey store at Birchwood Mall. I bought a handful of CDs. I couldn't tell you everything I bought, but I know one was "Chronicles" from Rush, and another was "Bandwagonesque" from Teenage Fanclub.

I still have that Teenage Fanclub CD. It was their second album. I think maybe I was so into it because it was really rockin', but also a lot like the '60s pop that I liked so much. That album still gets pulled out once in awhile and played obsessively for three days at a time.

Their next album was called "Thirteen." It was more like the sound they've grown into now, i.e. more pop vocal harmonies and less 'grunge' like the second album. That killed their US following. Just like Sloan going from their first to their second album, Teenage Fanclub was unjustly pigeonholed as a grunge band. When both bands failed to deliver more of the same after their first big hit albums, US fans stopped paying attention.

Okay, that's not entirely true. Sloan has a massive underground following and constantly sells out shows here even though they can't get or keep an American record deal to save their lives. Teenage Fanclub has gone through the same problems. In fact, last year, Noel Gallagher of Oasis said in an interview that Teenage Fanclub were the "second best band in Britain." I'll give you one guess as to who he thinks is the best band.

That interview coincided with the release of possibly one of the best anthology albums ever released: "Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty-Six Seconds: A Shortcut to Teenage Fanclub." If there was ever a 'best of' worth buying, this would be it. Plus it included four new songs. This is a band that started out sounding more like Badfinger or Big Star and instead has turned into a modern Crosy, Stills, & Nash. Not that they make folk music, but they are a band of three equals who each write consistently well-written melodic rock in the vein of the Byrds, the Beach Boys, Big Star, Badfinger, lots of 'b's, but also America, and maybe even the Moody Blues.

This year they released their ninth album, "Man-Made." Known for holing up at their home studio in Glasgow, it was a shock when they decided to go to Chicago to record with Tortoise's John McEntire. Personally, I think its even more odd that they would choose to record with McEntire. This is a man known for odd time signatures and avant-jazz, not melodic pop-rock.

The result is interesting, though, and its subtle. On the surface, this sounds like their best album since "Grand Prix" in 1993. That's probably because it is the best since then. But its more than that. When you sit down and listen, you start to notice little flourishes that may make you think of Stereolab. Don't get me wrong, its definitely a Teenage Fanclub record, but its these subtleties provided by McEntire that push the album a little further.

Teenage Fanclub were scheduled to play at St. Andrew's Hall a couple days ago. Unfortunately, ticket sales were very low, and the show was cancelled. I was pissed, I've been a fan of this band for so long and I've never had a chance to see them. Luckily I had to stop by the house before going downtown and my friend from ClearChannel emailed me to let me know it was cancelled. I heard there was a small unruly group of pop fans waiting outside the front door of St. Andrew's wondering what the fuck was going on. I was almost one of them.

There's A Fly In Your Soup, and I Put It There

Detroit has lots of obvious problems, anyone who's been there, lived there, or worked there knows this. The city government seems to think that building lots of new restaurants, bars, attractions, and housing is the answer. In some part, maybe it is. But...if you build all this residential, you need certain services. You need laundromats, and grocery stores, and places to get cheap sundries like Target or Wal-Mart (although I hope to never, ever see a Wal-Mart here, it's just an example).

Then there are the things that people may not think about. Aparments are one thing, but with all the new townhouses and lofts come pets. If these urban professionals are at work all day, what are they to do with their pets? Cats are self-sustaining, always able to take care of themselves. Fish, lizards, and the like are usually caged. But what about dogs, especially younger dogs? They need exercise and attention, otherwise when you come home from a long day at work, the dogs are going to chew your shit apart out of boredom and a thirst for attention.

So what about doggie day care? These facilities already exist all over the suburbs, so why not in the city? Detroiter Elizabeth Blondy opened Canine To Five in Detroit at Cass and Selden in May. For just $25 a day, your dog can get exercise indoors or out, attention, light-training, and in the event that it's needed, first aid. As Blondy says on the Canine To Five website, dogs are pack animals, they need to be social. With Detroit dog daycare, your dog gets to be social and exercise in a clean healthy environment.

Obviously, this sounds like an advertisement. Maybe it is, I don't know. I don't know Ms. Blondy, but I do know one of her employees and a customer, too. Both are very happy with the services provided. I think its a great idea in the city, and its definitely one of those things that you may not think about being necessary. Check out their website: Canine to Five.

Notes On Pulling the Sky Down

According to the BBC and the city of London's website, nearly one quarter of the city's 7,000,000 residents are ethnic (non-anglo). That's 2,000,000 people. So, how would you feel being one of these two million people who rides the Underground (subway) every day if you saw this sign? Note the part where it says "or look a bit foreign."

One Hundred and Forty Seven Hours Later

Learning to Survive On Cigarettes and Chaos

I need to tell you about my friend Mari's blog. It's called Snow Is Falling. It's the document (in photos) of the everyday life of an extraordinary girl. Check it out.

Anamorphic Widescreen Aspect Ratios Can Suck My Ass

Everyday, I am confronted with stupidity in the workplace. Most of the time, it's my coworkers who provide the entertainment, but about once a week, it's a client. They're usually more fun.

There are many flavors of stupidity witnessed in my industry. In case you didn't know, my industry is broadcast duplication/distribution. This means that we take purchase orders from advertising agencies to send commercials to TV and radio, and some other outlets like cable networks. Occasionally, we have to send things out for internal meetings (which is what I mostly handle), and sometimes we have to send things to unusual recipients, like a baseball park or ski resort hotels in remote parts of the Northwest Territory because some executive can't wait until he gets home to watch the newest commercial.

One of my favorite flavors of stupidity is ignorance of technology. This is undoubtedly a technology-based business. You can't get around it. Unfortunately, there are many people who went to school for business or English or marketing who are in a position where they should know a little bit about new technology. I stress that word 'should'. These people make me wonder why I can't get a job doing what they do when I know what's what, and they don't know which way is up.

Typically, the ignorance of technology is rooted in FTP transfers or codec confusion. An FTP transfer is when you use a telnet connection to transfer bulk data files between two internet sites. This means that if you want me to send a VHS tape with one commercial on it to a remote hotel on one of the smaller Hawaiian islands, and you want it there in less than twelve hours, you're probably unaware that you could send it yourself using your company's FTP site. A client actually asked me to do that one time. Just for shits and giggles, I looked into all the costs, which include three satellite uplinks, a post-production facility in Honolulu, a car courier, and a helicopter courier. Cost: $3000. Then I said, "does the recipient have their notebook with them, and does it have an FTP access application on it? Are they going to be in a meeting in a conference hall that has a digital projector? You do know that you could just post the spot to your FTP, send the recipient the link, then he could run a line out of his notebook to the projector, and it would cost you nothing, right?" I only asked because I know that all of these executives have company notebooks, and I know that they all have access to an FTP site via their notebooks. I saved the client $3000 and made myself look like one intelligent son of a bitch. It doesn't take much to do that when dealing with people in this industry.

Obviously, this isn't all common knowledge, I know it from working with it, but it's also because I PAY ATTENTION! I have dealt with people at the ad agencies who were probably blowing the HR director to get their jobs, because there's no way they could've passed any kind of test or exam in college, let alone graduate. And then they somehow manage to keep their jobs for as long as a year while being blissfully unaware of how to do anything right. After about a year, they get promoted because no one in their department can stand to deal with them anymore, but they won't fire them. Makes absolutely no sense.

Today's fun instance of ignorance comes courtesy of an idiot in Rochester, NY. He wanted us to send him a Chevrolet spot on a DVD in "widescreen 16.9 radio," which makes absolutely no sense. First, I had to assume that 'radio' was actually meant to be 'ratio'. Then, I had to assume that he's an idiot. Then, I had to email back and tell him that the only way he was getting his 16.9 ratio was if we encoded the spot to high-definition, which is what a 16.9 widescreen ratio is in the first place, it would cost him about a $1000. Normally, for a DVD with one spot, plus shipping, he would be paying about $40. Then, this is even better, I responded and noted the costs of encoding and that if we sent it in 4:3 aspect ratio (which is normal for TV), it would only cost him about $40 total. His response? "Just make it regular." At this point I knew that I was dealing with a special idiot because he probably heard somewhere about widescreen 16.9 being the best resolution or something and wanted it that way because he wanted it to look really good so that he would look really good. This means he probably also had no idea what I was talking about when I referred to 4:3. I know, this isn't common knowledge, and I admit that when I was confronted with the question, I had to get my memory refreshed, but this guy really seemed to have no idea.

I think its the technologically ignorant people working in technology-reliant fields who bother me the most when it comes to the myriad flavors of stupidity I have to endure every day in this grey cube-farm.

She Smiles, She Loves Every Sweet-Talking Lie

THE UPDATE on the Homeland Security Gestapo

So, if you scroll down a couple posts, you'll see that a co-worker of mine was picked up on Friday afternoon under suspicion of being a threat to homeland security. Here is the next installment of the story so far.

On Friday the 'detectives' took Dave to Pontiac. The car they came in was a civilian vehicle with absolutely nothing to distinguish it as a police vehicle. Civilan plates, no red/blue flashers in the grill or rear window, and no in-dash radio, just a handheld. They wouldn't let him take his wallet (or shoelaces, or hat, or cell phone, or keys) with him, but once he got there he was told that if he paid $200 he could leave right away. Obviously, he didn't have the money on him, so he couldn't. At first, he was told that he wouldn't need to bother because most cases get thrown out at the arraignment, but his didn't. When his mother arrived, it took her several hours to find out what was going on with him. She deposited $200 in his inmate account, and they gave her no receipt, nor did they allow Dave to use the money to bail himself out. An hour and a half later, he called Kelly and told her she could come bail him out for $200. Why such a low amount for bail? Doesn't that seem odd? Something as trivial as a DUI will cost you over $400 in bail. I would think that a threat to homeland security would cost much more.

When Kelly showed up to bail him out, she was given a slip with a number on it and told that Dave would have to call it Monday morning to find out when to show up for his trial. The slip listed the name of the presiding judge, and where it said 'offense', it was blank. He was never told what he was being charged with or why he was being held. Soon he'll go back to the courthouse, and he will be on trial, and will not know what for until he gets there. I wonder where they'll send him...maybe Siberia, or an internment camp, or maybe Van Diemen's Land. I suppose the most likely would be Camp X-Ray, but that would be the absolute worst, because that would mean that my predictions from Friday of him losing his rights and being labeled as an enemy combatant would be true. No safety net via the Geneva Convention or basic rights from the Constitution.

Obviously, I don't believe that he'll be 'sent away', nor do I think that he deserves to. Obviously, no one involved (besides maybe the police) really knows what is going on, or what happened. But I still think that this is scary. Thanks to the Patriot Act, he has been denied some of the most basic rights. I can't say that he was held for no reason, because I don't know why he was being held. Neither can he, and I think that's fucked up. All of this scares me. I seriously feel like we're slowly being assimilated into a culture similar to that of "1984" or "Anthem," post-apocalyptic dystopias where freedom is a four letter word. Soon, Homeland Security will take over as the only police force in the country. Cities and states will no longer govern themselves, individuality will be lost in the name of preserving 'freedom', i.e. the freedom to change the Constitution to benefit big business and the oil industry.

Soon Enough

Note that it says "PAINTED LADY" not Garden Bowl. I still do Saturdays at the GB, but this week I'm doing my monthly Painted Lady gig on Wednesday. Stop by. (also, note that I know this pic is too big and fucks up the page. I'm only leaving this post up until Wednesday, then it comes down)

Derrida's Nightmare

Random bullshit:

• No, I'm not crazy, and that is not my intent. Being mildly funny comes closer.
  
• Yes, sometimes I speak/write/type too properly. The ebonics immersion course I took from 1997 to 2001 is starting to wear off.
• What I want is NOT always what I need. Its taken me 29 years to figure that out.
• However, what I want is close to what I need.

• Small Plates in Detroit makes an excellent goat cheese & roasted red pepper empanada with creme fraiche. I recommend. Possibly the best empanada I've ever had, and I've had many.
• I like Fountains of Wayne, and if you're gonna ride in my car, you'll have to accept what I choose to listen to while driving.
  
• No, I don't want a Vicodin. Really, no.
• No, I don't know where you can get some coke. Okay, actually, I do, but I ain't tellin'.
  
• Yes, I know who Derrida was, but I can't pronounce his name right.
• I own Writing and Difference, but I doubt that I will ever truly understand the theories of Deconstruction.
  
• I hate fish flies, earwigs, and silverfish. Creepy little buggers.
• Thanks to Dorkwave and Corktown Tavern early on a muggy Sunday morning (real early, like 3am), I now remember why I hate after-hours parties at bars. I didn't know the code, couldn't get a beer, and no one would tell us how. Scenester fucks.
• Why do I bother going to Taco Bell if they always fuck up my order, don't give me all of my food or take twenty minutes to get it to me?
  
• Why do I bother going there when they regularly manage to commit all three of the above crimes at the same time?

• I fucking hate this paradox of instant communication and isolation that occurs with email and text messaging. I loathe it. I'm surprised Marshal McLuhan didn't write a book predicting my derision forty years ago. Oh, wait, he did.
• Check out the Oxford English Dictionary online here. Learn something. Go to the word of the day and subscribe, its totally worth it. Then you can drop those 50-cent words once in awhile and people will think you're smart and stuff.
• Do whatever you have to do to get your hands on the Contantines album "Shine A Light." Trust me. It's sort of Bruce Springsteen's voice meets Joe Strummer's voice with the music of Strummer's Mescaleros but more sparse and not quite so world beat. Okay, not world beat at all, more punk. Throw in a little bit of Hot Water Music-style aggression and you're all set. The music itself is actually very dramatic, too. That doesn't make any sense, but I honestly don't fucking care.
• A trend was discovered Friday night. It seems that I like redheads in particular, but it's never been a conscious decision, so I think it's just a coincidence.
• The Outer Limits bar is Hamtramck's version of Detroit's Old Miami. 'Cept weirder, if that's possible. They have a separate building out back. Its a wedding chapel. Seriously.
  
• The very thing that brings me together with all of the amazing people I know and love is the same thing that I hate about modern life: cellphones. Is the isolation and imminent fear of human interaction worth the convenience?
  

Fear and Loathing in the Land of the Free: 1984

(with respect to George Orwell)

I thought I had problems today. My head was not clear.

Then two of my co-workers got here. I won't use their real names because I don't know if I'm committing a crime by typing and publishing this online. Dave and Kelly ride to work together every day.

Today, they pulled up, and almost as soon as Dave got out of the car, a black Monte Carlo pulled up right next to him. Two men got out and put him in handcuffs. These men were not in uniforms. Kelly was already out of the car and didn't realize what was going on until she was in the office.

I was just sitting here at my desk, eating my Quizno's Chicken Carbonara sub, reading the news online. Little did I realize that 'the news' was happening outside the window. Suddenly my coworkers started talking and asking what was going on. We watched as the officers (?) talked to Dave. Kelly went back outside and asked them if Dave would be back today because he's heavily relied on at work. They told her that he wouldn't be back anytime today and was being taken to Pontiac to be arraigned on suspicion of terrorism. There was no actual charge or crime mentioned.

Yesterday morning, Dave took his friend to his parole meeting at the courthouse in Pontiac. He does this every time his friend has to go see his P.O. It was hot yesterday morning, so Dave circled the courthouse with his air conditioning on. He had to drive around while doing it or else his car would overheat. Apparently, while doing this, he was approached by some officers who informed him that due to Homeland Security, his actions were suspicious. He apologized and told them they could search his car if they wanted, but they declined. The officers required that he give a statement as to why he was behaving suspiciously. As this was going on, Dave's friend came out, and he asked the officers if they wanted to talk to him to verify the story. Again, they declined.

This was the reasoning. This was what they told Dave today. They told him that he was being taken to be arraigned in Pontiac for driving around the courthouse suspiciously.

Months, maybe even a year ago, I wrote a post all about the Patriot Act, and how fucked up it was and what it means to us. I used lots of big words and heady political terms. Making it simple and real and human in your eyes was not easy because I had no concrete examples. Well, here you go.

Does this mean that tonight when I go to dinner near the 36th District Courthouse downtown (Detroit) and can't find a parking spot, if I circle around the courthouse a few times to find a parking spot, will I get picked up? Will I get branded as a terrorist? Could I be branded as an 'enemy combatant', absolving me of any rights via the Geneva Convention or the U.S. Constitution? Fucking ridiculous.

Big Brother is out there, watch yo' ass!

UPDATE: Dave is now in jail, under arrest, and the police won't tell his parents or his girlfriend what the charge is. Welcome to America, where they'll haul your ass off to jail just for driving around a courthouse aimlessly. Makes me think of the early days of Nazi Germany, or Russia, or anywhere else where Communism was perversely mutated into martial law using patriotism as an excuse.

Insectivora

I had a dream last night that was quite vague. For some reason, I had to suck battery acid out of a car battery from a very small square hole on the side. I had to do this to help someone and 'save' them. The acid created some sort of wave-like sensation in my brain and I spit it out because I thought it was hurting me. Interpretation anyone? I'm clueless.

Don't Talk To Me About Simple Things

THE GOOD

• The Constantines - From Toronto. Saw 'em at the Magic Stick in Detroit on Tuesday night. About a year ago, a friend of mine starting talking them up to me. He couldn't explain their sound, so he brought in one of their CDs when I was DJing. I've been hooked ever since. Their sound is complicated to explain. I read a review recently that referred to their music as being "dub-inflected." I guess I can agree with that, but the inflection is so far removed from the actual sound of dub that its practically irrelevant. So, vocally, I'm quick to compare to Bruce Springsteen, Joe Strummer, and Tom Waits, and more recently Eric Bachmann of Crooked Fingers (and formerly Archers of Loaf). The lyrics are good and stark and spoken with a voice of authority: "all a man build is his vision." The band is a five-piece including drums, bass, keyboard, and two guitarists, one who sings most of the time, and the other on occasion. This formula with the vocal sound and style might bring to mind Hot Water Music, and considering the latter's more recent sound, that isn't too far off from reality. But there is no hint of 'emo' or a 'new punk' sound with these Toronto natives. Its just something different, engaging, and all around good. Its anthemic and endearing and strong all at the same time.
• American Spirit Cigarettes - Lights or mediums in particular. I know, I know, its sort of a hipster thing to smoke these stupid cancer sticks with the Native American on the front of the box. But you know what? They last longer than a box of Camel Lights, and for a buck fifty more, I'll take it! I can smoke a Camel Light in about three and a half minutes, but it takes at least twice as long if not longer to smoke an American Spirit. It's not that there's more or less tobacco in either one, its just because the AS cigarettes have no chemicals added to make them burn faster so that you'll run out and buy more. So basically, by paying a dollar fifty extra, I get to smoke a cigarette for twice as long. Works for me.
• Detroityes forums - Normally, I'm not one to get into internet forums, but this one is irresistable. The focus is Detroit, obviously. There are somewhere over a thousand registered users, but its really just the same 200 or so people arguing back and forth every day. Here's a list of some of the most current threads on the site: 'Detroit Mayoral Election Super Thread', 'The Algiers Motel Incident', 'Granholm Called Out', 'Broderick Tower Renovation'. As you can see, they discuss politics and local history and development. But then they get bitchy, or flattering, or just plain stupid. There's so much drama, its like watching a soap opera. Oh, you can check it out here.
• Blogger - Its the application that I'm using right now to compose and publish this blog. Totally free, and easy to use. I love it. After messing around with Dreamweaver and FrontPage, I have to say Blogger saves a whole lot of time. Go here to get your own blog. Millions already have.

THE BAD

• Grief - I miss Tim.

THE UGLY

• Text Messaging - As technology grows and evolves, it seems like we find more and more ways to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world. Ultimately, we are completely connected without ever actually connecting. Drunk text messages replace the drunk dial, breakups are done over email, flirting takes place through online communities, and we keep getting further and further away from each other. I hate it, but I'm in deep.
• Craigs List 'Missing Connection' bulletin boards - This is one of those online communities that allows me to be passive and isolated and to connect without truly connecting. I hate it, but I'm on it every day anyway because I am a romantic idealist.
• Better Made Curry and Garlic Potato chips - Yes, I'm quite serious. I never would've believed it myself, but I have a bag sitting in my cupboard in the kitchen at home. I cannot tell you where I got them, because then you'd know and there would be less for me. Why are they bad? Because they're like crack, that's why.
• My Passivity - I really gotta do something about that.
  

Laziness

I swear, I'll post something new soon. Maybe even today. For now, enjoy this. Read it, too, if you get a chance.

I Hate You All

Workin' For the Weekend Just To Stay Alive

Sometime in the late '90s, I was sitting in my co-worker Joey Bootboy's living room in Hamtramck. I had just given him a ride home. He played a CD for me that he thought I'd like, then he lent it to me. It was "Apocalypse Dudes" from this Norwegian band called Turbonegro. It was the first I had heard of them. Not long before that, my roommate Mike first brought his discovery of Sweden's Hellacopters to our circle of friends. Then Eli found The Backyard Babies (also Swedish and connected to the Hellacopters). Not sure who found Gluecifer (Norwegian), but that was all we needed. Actually, I think Eli was responsible for Gluecifer, too. At that point in time, we were all really into stoner rock, but after hearing these four Scandinavian bands, there was no turning back. I needed amped-up rock 'n' roll.

Each of these bands were similar with their balls-out rock n roll styles, but had/have their own schtick. The Hellacopters were big on the post-MC5 Sonic's Rendezvous Band. The Backyard Babies were closer to Hanoi Rocks than anything else. Very glam. Gluecifer obviously idolized AC/DC, but Turbonegro were much more involved. Think Motley Crue meets the Ramones meets Alice Cooper - with mustaches.

Forming in the mid-'90s, Turbonegro's original sound was closer to trash-punk rock groups like The Dirtys or the New Bomb Turks. I remember talking to my friend Joe (aka Screamin' Joe Burdick) who was in The Dirtys who toured with Turbonegro all over Europe years ago. He told me how they were playing a show somewhere and the band made a conscious decision to change their sound and their look.

They already had a couple of records out that weren't all that good. Then they put out "Ass Cobra" in 1995. They claim that their signature 'deathpunk' sound started with their first album "Hot Rods and Spent Contraceptives," but its obvious that deathpunk originated on "Ass Cobra." Song titles included "I Got Erection," "The Midnight NAMBLA," and "Young Boys' Feet." This new sound was decidedly homoerotic, pedophilic, and obviously intended for shock value. They also started wearing sailor hats at this point and all grew mustaches. The change worked, and they got noticed. Noticed enough to record their 1999 epic "Apocalypse Dudes," which was that first album that I heard back in that living room in Hamtramck.

Sympathy for the Record Industry released AD here in the U.S. in 1999, two years after it was released in Norway. Unfortunately, the band had imploded by that point. Due to the underground popularity of the record here, they put out a live record, "Darkness Forever," then a tribute album ("Alpha Motherfuckers") soon followed.

In 2002, the band reformed and went on tour. They suddenly found that they had a very substantial and insanely dedicated fanbase all over the world. Because of those insanely dedicated fans, they were able to put out a fifth album, 2003's "Scandinavian Leather." The sound was cleaner, more grand and majestic, but still just as rocking as ever before.

This week, Turbonegro released their sixth album, "Party Animals." Lead guitarist Euroboy's production is amazing as normal. There are fans out there saying that any post-resurrection Turbo just isn't as good, but they can go fuck themselves. All they need to do is check out the Joan Jett backbeat in "City of Satan," or the Dead Boys style rhythm guitar in "Wasted Again" which also features Keith Morris (Circle Jerks, Black Flag). They can also look to "Final Warning" featuring backing vocals by Nick Olivieri (Mondo Generator, ex-QOTSA). How about "Blow Me (Like the Wind)" where the opening "Street Fighting Man" rhythm showcases Euroboy's stinging leads? I think its important for me to note that while their influences are proudly worn on their sleeves, they're not quite derivative. Then again, Picasso said a good artist borrows, a great artist steals. Whatever. If I gave you a dime, would you blow my paradigm? I love it.

They haven't lost it. All those people out there who think that Apocalypse Dudes was the peak can suck it. Bands evolve, and its not always a good thing, but this time there's no doubt.

Fitz of Depression

I think I have a problem. I can't pinpoint the origin, but I do have an early memory of the obsession. Sometime in the late '90s, my friend Ethan took me to Record Time (Detroit-area record store) in Roseville. We were there for three hours. It was my first time. Now, I so much look the part of an employee when in record stores, customers ask me where to find things. Often, I know the answer. One time an employee at Record Time in Ferndale asked me if I knew where something was, knowing that I didn't work there, but probably knew the answer. Of course I knew.

The obsession isn't just record stores, its also online record stores like Amazon, which includes their UK, German, and Canadian affiliates where you can often find foreign releases decently priced long before they come out here. Then there's GEMM, which is kind of like a big eBay buy-it-now marketplace with individual sellers from all over the world, and an exellent rating system. Unlike eBay, you can't bid on anything, prices are as listed. I used to like eBay, but I try to avoid it now because its dangerous for me. I end up buying Ummagumma on vinyl for $30 when I know it's only a second pressing of a Canadian release and probably worth only half what I paid. I am dumb when I am impulsive. Dusty Groove is also dangerous for me. Its the online store for a small record shop in Chicago. Their focus is on anything groove-oriented, i.e. funk, soul, hip hop, r&b, jazz, that sort of thing. The place is dangerous for me because I trust their reviews of all the featured records and so much of it is stuff that I'll never ever see in an actual record store. I could drop thousands there easily. Forced Exposure is a distributor for hundreds of labels, some really tiny and some you've actually heard of. Just like Dusty Groove, FE provides short reviews for everything. The focus with FE is just independently released music, which means they have all kinds of crazy shit. Also dangerous.

Beyond the brick and mortar stores and the online fixes, there is one more provider to feed my obsession. This one is a couple of ideas easily lumped into one category: flea markets/garage sales/thrift stores. Its all second-hand, which is why its lumped together. Used CDs/vinyl = evil.

Last night, I was at the Baar Bazaar at the Garden Bowl in midtown Detroit. There is this couple who have been there for the past couple of Wednesdays who always have a ginormous collection of cassettes. Last week I was looking through them, and I had to ask: "are you around 29, and did you ever work in college radio?" Turns out I was right on both accounts. Crazy selection of stuff. Anyway, they had some CDs. Of course, I had to look through them even though I knew I shouldn't be spending the money. They were only a dollar, I can handle that, right? I found a compilation that I had seen around a long time ago and always passed up. Its called "A Slice of Lemon." The idea is that its a compilation of newer stuff from two different record labels: Kill Rock Stars and Lookout! Records. Two CDs, 40 songs from artists whom I own absolutely nothing, and its only a buck? I bought it, of course. Then I saw something I hadn't seen before. I guess it was released as a regular album in 1999, but it looks like a promo-only thing because its Face to Face doing all cover songs.

This is where we get to the point of this post. The meat, if you will.

This morning I was takin' the regular commute up the Lodge to work. I put in the Face to Face CD. Its all songs that I know, so I figured it would be a good singalong kinda thing for my boring drive.

Tracklist: "What Difference Does It Make" - Smiths, "Chesterfield King" - Jawbreaker, "Don't Change" - INXS, "Sunny Side of the Street" - The Pogues, "Planet of Sound" - The Pixies, "The KKK Took My Baby Away" - Ramones, "Heaven" - Psychedelic Furs, "Merchandise" - Fugazi, "Helpless" - Sugar, and "That's Entertainment" - The Jam.

I skipped around a bit, just curious about this band's versions of these songs that I know and love. By the time I got to "Helpless" and realized how eerily Trevor Keith sounds EXACTLY like Bob Mould, I realized something else. Listening to these songs is like listening to the radio for me.

On Saturdays when I'm DJing, occasionally I'll get a request for a song from the latest big hitmaker, whoever that may be. Last week, it was Ciara. I'm not even sure if that 's spelled right, or if its a man or a woman or a group, I have no idea. I don't listen to the radio besides NPR. What's the point in listening to the radio? I'll save that argument for some other time. My point is that the track-listing above is my idea of an oldies station playlist, and I know I'm not the only one.

My disdain for corporate radio's cultural brainwashing pushed me away from the airwaves long ago. I have no need for it or the Billoard Top 40.

One of these days, I'll try to put together a little project radio station. It will probably only be available on the internet, but I promise you those songs listed above will all be played at some point.

The Way I Feel Inside

This morning, I woke up, and I slightly freaked out. Not because it was already 8:30, and I had to be at work at 9, and I slept through all alarms. The only thing that did wake me was an early text message (thanks, A, I needed that). No, that is not why I was so uncomfortable.

Like I do every morning, I went to my computer to sit down and check my email before taking a shower. The normal low hum that envelops the room was missing. I forgot. We had a brownout last night. It took my cable modem and my router. I'm hoping it only took the power adapters for both. Its so odd that my computer was fine, my external USB drive was fine, the external sound card was just peachy, and Aaron's Mac was working like normal, too. But, the two things we both need to connect to the internet were fried.

I guess maybe I had hoped that when I went to bed last night, both weren't working because we were still in a brownout. I was hoping that there just wasn't enough power for some things. But the modem and router draw hardly any power. I also hoped that maybe, like some small motors, the power adaptors or power supplies got too hot and shut down and just needed to reset themselves. I hoped. But, when I went into the computer room, I could see that the router still did not have power. I didn't even bother trying to plug in the modem. What's the use?

Considering my current internet usage and how much I rely on it for a few different facets of my everyday life, I am frustrated. I can't go to Google Image Search to find images to make flyers, I can't check late night email, but I'll be okay. Like any other addiction, I can drop it at will, but will always go back because I want to, not because I need to. Plus, if it is just the power adapters then it will be cheap to deal with.

Strange how losing material items doesn't really faze me. After all, it is just stuff. Nothing I can't live without. But losing the items that act as transmitter/receivers (opposite ends of the communication model) for information, something so very intangible is what gets to me.

Missing Connections

Oceanic

THE GOOD

• Isis - I guess this band could be called jazz, in a sense. I find it strangely soothing, even though you could call it metal. I don't know what it is, but I like it. Like Slint's heavy metal cousin. I'm sure someone out there classifies it as 'post-something', like post-metal or post-hardcore.
• Corporate ass-kissing - no, I'm not the one bendin' over, my company takes out clients on these events like last night where we took out a bunch of 'em to Comerica Park for a Tigers game. Two suites, tons of food, wine, beer, liquor, and it was all on the company dime. I'm lovin' it.
• A slight sense of job security - I thought I had things to worry about, but now I know that one of our biggest contracts depends on my office staying right here. I have seniority and therefore, security. Dog bless the Big 3, for I am their bitch.
• The Zombies - at first, when I was young, I was all about the Monkees, Beatles, and Beach Boys. I felt that these bands were benchmarks in a way. They were icons for me because I quickly found that even their outtakes and demos were amazing. Along the way, I've found other bands like this. The Troggs, The Kinks, and Pink Floyd (Syd Barrett era mainly) are like this for me. Now I have found yet another. The Zombies. These guys were so overlooked and underrated. It goes much, much deeper than "The Time of the Season," people.
• Will Self - modern British author. Lots of words I've never heard of (but now know well), British street thug and drug slang, William Burroughs worship (in Self's early work), Hunter S. Thompson style (in his more recent work), and sharp wit. Good stuff. I'm obsessed.
• Cephalopod fans - you never know who you'll meet when you're not looking for them.
• New and unexpected friends - like I just said...

THE BAD

• Petroleum Hydrocarbon - aka "Blow Off." We us this canned-air stuff in the office to clean computers, keyboards, and tape decks. Smells like, well I don't know what it smells like, but I don't like it, and when I breathe in it, my tongue burns. Nasty. Somewhere, some kid is spraying it into a rag and inhaling and getting realllllly high, but not me, this shit is awful.
• Smoking - just in the past seven days, I've smoked Kool Milds (because they were free), American Spirit Lights, Camel Lights, American Spirit Mediums, Basic Menthol Lights, and American Spirit Organic (because they were given to me by accident). I hate that I smoke, yet I have no real interest in quitting. I like to smoke.
• Fucking Post It notes - A meme that needs to die a horrible painful death.

THE UGLY

• Kwame Kilpatrick - Its painful to admit that you really don't know what you're doing, isn't it?
  

Disco Volante

In '96 or '97 (I can't remember when for sure), I was on college radio. I was the Music Director at WSGR-FM, 'The Bluewater's ONLY Alternative'. This meant that every day, I would come into the office, and there would be piles of new mail and new CDs to sort through. So much of it was obvious: obvious that it would go in the library, or obvious that it would go in the trash, or obvious that I'd have to listen to it first.

I remember one day, I opened up a bubble-wrap pack and found the newest Mr. Bungle CD. It was their second album, "Disco Volante." I liked the first one, but it was goofy circus music, more or less. Also relatively harmless lyrically. But, knowing Mike Patton, I had to listen to this one to find the 'do not play' songs. Part of my job was to label all library CDs pertaining to what songs were recommended, what songs not to play because of language, artist, title, and what style of music.

There was a track towards the middle called "Everyone I Went To High School With Is Dead." Considering how arrhythmic and odd the songs on this disc were, this one was actually somewhat playable. So it became one of the recommended songs, and quickly went into high rotation in my own weekly four hour show.

I liked the song because I was already out of high school for a couple years, and I really didn't like a lot of the people I had to share those four years with. There were the bullying types, the popular kids, the bitch clique, typical annoyances for a quiet untreated ADD-stricken kid with no interest in sports. But I didn't actually want them to be dead.

Last Friday, I went to a memorial/visitation for a girl I went to high school with. She was 29, like me. Her cause of death was a car accident, and no, she wasn't drinking, it was an accident, plain and simple. I didn't know her well, but she is someone who I knew and who shared a big growth experience with me: high school. She was one of the 'popular' girls, so its not like I ever talked to her, but I still felt like I should go to the visitation. Mostly because my friend who lives down here actually did know this girl. I was there for support.

I just found out today that a guy I went to high school with killed himself two weeks ago. Apparently, the service already happened, so I won't be heading north for that one.

Back in '94 or '95, I think, another guy I went to high school with passed away after a bad car accident. I remember going to the visitation. That was my first one. There were a few family funerals from the recent past (at that point in my life) that I had refused to attend. My feelings on death and departing were all over the place, but I knew for sure that I didn't want to go to those family funerals. I felt cold and sterile about it. But that showing was different...this was someone I actually knew. Someone who was the same age as me. Maybe I didn't know his family, and we weren't best friends, but their was still a connection. I wanted so badly to take an existentialist or Buddhist view of the whole thing, but I couldn't do it. It was easier with the family funerals because they were for people I barely knew.

Add onto these four the passing of several good friends who I did not go to high school with: six good people lost in the past five years. Brad will never make a big success of his artistic furniture company, Scott will never be seen wandering Hamtramck late at night in his bowler hat and 'Clockwork Orange' t-shirt, Tim will never transcend time and space to build a time machine (we all know he had it in him), Tiffany's big blue eyes will never light up a room again, Jake will never play with his band Moloko Plus ever again, and Larry will never get to tour Europe singin' with the Dirtys while on tour with the New Bomb Turks and Turbonegro ever again.

They all live on for these and many more reasons, but they never had a chance to do it all. Why not?

MONEYEGGSORALRIBRODEO

My Internet Tendency

Every day, there are several different websites that I read like clockwork. I make it a part of my daily routine at work. To me its required. Mandatory, in fact. Especially in a week like today where I'm having a total Office Space style week. I've seriously done maybe a full hour of work all week. Honest.

There are the usual things like Gmail and MySpace, but then I also regularly read and contribute to the DetroitYes forums. I also check out Fark for random news, Drudge Report for more serious news. Oh, also there's Working For Change for leftist political news. There are several different internet comics that I read every day (some are only weekly) like Questionable Content, Diesel Sweeties, Dilbert, Get Your War On, Derf City, Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles, and the political cartoonist/columnist Ted Rall.

Then there's McSweeney's. I know, I know, I've mentioned it a few times before, but its endlessly witty and entertaining. I can't help it. Plus, a good portion of the content is submitted by readers who 'get' it. They understand what McSweeney's is all about. No, I can't put it into words, so don't ask, just check out the site.

So, I was reading McSweeney's just now and I was checking out the newest 'Open Letters To People Or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond'. The latest one was an open letter to someone's Sonicare Toothbrush. I read the whole thing, think its funny, then I see the name and location of the author. Its my friend and fellow blogger J-Dub! So, what you need to do now is go here and check out his submission to McSweeney's, then go and check out his blog The Baby Seal Club. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Whitey On the Moon*

Here's a fun game for Detroiters. Replace 'Whitey' with 'Kwame' and replace 'Moon' with 'Manoogian'. Okay, so you should probably also replace 'On' with 'In' so it makes more sense. You know what I mean.

A rat done bit my sister Nell. (with Whitey on the moon)
Her face and arms began to swell. (and Whitey's on the moon)
I can't pay no doctor bill. (but Whitey's on the moon)
Ten years from now I'll be payin' still. (while Whitey's on the moon)
The man jus' upped my rent las' night. ('cause Whitey's on the moon)
No hot water, no toilets, no lights. (but Whitey's on the moon)
I wonder why he's uppi' me? ('cause Whitey's on the moon?)
I wuz already payin' 'im fifty a week. (with Whitey on the moon)
Taxes takin' my whole damn check,
Junkies makin' me a nervous wreck,
The price of food is goin' up,
An' as if all that shit wuzn't enough:
A rat done bit my sister Nell. (with Whitey on the moon)
Her face an' arm began to swell. (but Whitey's on the moon)
Was all that money I made las' year (for Whitey on the moon?)
How come there ain't no money here? (Hmm! Whitey's on the moon)
Y'know I jus' 'bout had my fill (of Whitey on the moon)
I think I'll sen' these doctor bills, Airmail special (to Whitey on the moon)

*with apologies to Gil Scott-Heron

Milk Cow Blues

THE GOOD

• Detroit blogs - the growing number of websites and blogs specifically about Detroit. I'm not talking about some national corporation that provides info on cities around the country where nothing is truly rooted in the city. I'm talking about sites like DetroitBlog, which focuses on city history, architectural history and issues, and current Detroit politics. Then there's dETROITFUNK, where the focus is on photography. Its mostly a photographic blog of what's going on in the city right now with captions telling you what's what. Right now, there are some amazing photos of the recent fire at the old Studebaker plant in New Center. The newest and possibly most interesting Detroit blog so far is Model D - The Last American City. Unlike the others, this one is almost entirely positive, and is marketing-oriented. But, don't be afraid, its not spin city, its a positive, well-thought-out and organized blog about the city. The most important Detroit blog is also the longest running, and most involved: detroityes. Founder and moderator Lowell Boileau has become a quiet patriarch dedicated to the preservation and new renaissance of the city. There are several different forums on the site, the most popular being the 'Discuss Detroit' forum. The first time I stumbled on this site a few years ago, there were several different forms and too many 'in' jokes. Now, the site is just incredible. Its an endless source of information on EVERYTHING going on in this city. For the most part the forumers (is that a word?) are well-spoken, intelligent, factual, yet full of opinion. Plus, in addition to the forums, there are webisodes which form a photographic tour of Detroit. There's also an in-depth section detailing the history of soul music in the city. That part was written by a British fan of Northern Soul, but its written quite well. Check it out.
• Odessey & Oracle (sic) - the last album from psychedelic pop soul pioneers The Zombies. When it came out in 1967, it totally bombed. Now its looked on as one of the most important pop albums ever. I can't say enough about how much I love this record.
• Frozen meatballs - from Trader Joe's. Tasty little fuckers. I could eat the shit out of them. Doesn't matter if its the turkey, coctail, or regular meatballs, they're all good.
• The Arnie Palmer - After looking into it a little bit, I found out that the combination of half iced tea and half lemonade has been a popular post-golf-game drink for years. But now, the AriZona Beverage Co. and Arnold Palmer have teamed up to bring us this low-calorie version of the drink. And its only .99 cents for a huge can! Its a perfectly refreshing drink for the summertime.

THE BAD

• The Pacific Northwest - I wish friends didn't have to move away.
• Will Self - Contemporary British author. Okay, not really bad, just bad that I'm obsessed with his writing style. Although I suppose this is a healthy obsession. He has some novels, but his real talent is in the short story or in journalism. Check out "Feeding Frenzy" for a compilation of his journalism and check out "The Quantity Theory of Insanity" for a compilation of his short stories. His wit is acerbic, his observations are wry and detailed, and his characters behave in such a sardonic way that you hate to love them. This is what happens when you do a lot of drugs AND make a it work as a successful writer without sounding just like William Burroughs or Hunter S. Thompson (although he does interview both in "Feeding Frenzy").

THE UGLY

• My brain/heart - Forever misinterpreted and misunderstood, yet I plug away. The time is ripe for big changes. Watch out.
  

Time of the Season

I'm living in a movie that doesn't move me - Pete Shelley

See, that quote is interesting because it comes from a song called "Boredom" from the Buzzcocks. Boredom being the important part. The influence of the Situationist writers and artists was poking through. Flash foreward a few months, and Tony Wilson opens Factory Records as a vessel for Joy Division to release records. Wilson saw Factory as a Situationist statement, much like Malcolm McLaren felt when he started managing the Sex Pistols. The latter was probably the biggest Situ joke ever perpetrated on the world.

Let me give you some backstory, because its important. The Situationiste Internationalle was (is?) a collective of artists and writers that came together in a small town in Italy in 1957. Their goal was to supersede art itself, abolishing the notion of it being a separate specialized activity and transforming it into an everyday activity. From their standpoint art is revolutionary, or it is nothing. In this way, they saw themselves completing the missions of Dada and Surrealism while abolishing both.

Ever since I first heard about all of this in a 5000-level art history class at Wayne State University, I was immediately fascinated. To me, it made total sense, but only when you really boiled it all down to the simplest ideals of the movement. Raoul Vaneigem's book "The Revolution of Everyday Life" is like a fucking bomb. Also, "Days of War, Nights of Love" from Crimethinc is a good dumbed-down, yet highly romanticized Situationist primer.

I also want to say that I'm bothered by the way some people exploit revolutionary art for their own selfish purposes. "The Shape of Punk To Come" from The Refused, and everything from the singer's (Denis Lyxzen) current band The (International) Noise Conspiracy are good exposure for Situationist and revolutionary thought. They wrapped up subversion in a punk sound. Not that its a new idea (see MC5, et al), but they did it so well, and appealed to the kids in a way that galvanized a generation. Too bad too many of those kids saw it merely as yet another fashionable trend in punk rock. Fuck 'em.

I need to really get down with it, and just say what I'm tryin' to say here. I'm bored. Sofa king bored. Its not as simple as just having nothing to do. That isn't the problem. There are plenty of things I could be doing. It isn't just right now, its life, its work, its love, apathy, empathy, compassion, hatred, and the absolutely most boring problem of all: indifference.

I'm drawn to the romance of revolution, but I feel like its all just recuperation in the end. Whereby the revolution is repackaged as a saleable commodity, and I'm eating it up. It isn't real. The revolution begins with everyday life, unfortunately Vaneigem's book is so dense and inaccessible, I can't read it for much more than a half hour at a time.

Is revolution and art my escape from boredom? Hell no. I'm not Guy Debord or Asger Jorn, I'm not a pretentious (oh believe me, they were pretentious) artist trying to turn the world on its head when no one will listen. They spoke of psychogeography and derives and detournements as revolution and life merging into art, but I'm not seein' it.

We live in a world where one can alleviate boredom by throwing a velcro-suited dwarf against a velcro wall, you can eat battered and deep-fried candy bars until your arteries bloat with death, I could walk into the next office and staple my boss to his cubicle wall by his button-down shirt. The options are endless, but they aren't for me. This is not my idea of fun.

But that begs the question, is fun the only respite from boredom? What about anger and pain? I know most cutters cut themselves to control their pain, but could it also be out of boredom? Maybe they're just trying to feel something.

I could smoke a cigarette, watch the squirrels outside my office window, get drunk, listen to music, whatever, I'll still be bored. I'm compassionate and empathetic by nature, maybe the way to alleviate boredom is to step outside of what I know. To step outside of who I normally am. Maybe I should turn off some internal filters for once.

Maybe I should tell you to fuck off more often. Maybe I should leave behind the office job. Maybe I should seriously stop sitting on my hands, and start walking on them instead.

Surprise Ice

Today I met a carnie. He said his name was Michael, then he said "you caught my wings on film." Janna was shooting his portrait and I was assisting her. He said it as he was walking away, I barely heard what he said. Would it make sense for Michael the Archangel to be working as a carnie operating the Tilt-A-Whirl at a church carnival in Detroit? I think I'll chalk it up to yet another example of Detroit Phenomena.

An Open Letter to Rod Argent, Chris White, Colin Blunstone, Paul Atkinson, and Hugh Grundy (aka The Zombies)

RE: Odessey & Oracle

Dear sirs, first, I would like to thank you. Your 1968 'swansong' Odessey & Oracle is tied for the top spot of best pop record ever (in my mind). The space is shared with The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds. People may talk about the Beatles or the Kinks or maybe even Badfinger, but did any of those acts make a record as flawless as O&O? I don't think so. They wish they could've made an album as cohesive and solid as this. Every song leaves me wanting more, leaves me thinking of special people from my life, and begs to be listened to three or four or sometimes even five times in a row. I suppose I should also thank Fuel 2000 Records for their 2004 reissue with the added tracks. The Big Beat Records 30th Anniversary edition is good...its remastered, and both the mono and stereo versions of the entire album are included, but I don't need that. Who really does? If you're a purist or a completist, then you already have this stuff on vinyl, right? What do you guys think? Mr. White? Does one need both mono and stereo mixes of your beautifully written songs? Mr. Argent, do you believe that the stereo mix would suffice for your innovative arrangements? I think so.

I've read that this album was meant to be your last stand. Maybe a 'fuck you' to a world that wouldn't listen? Have you noticed yet that your sound was a blueprint for bands like The Smiths and New Order with sad lyrics buried in happy music? The songwriters from those bands grew up in England, and would've been just old enough to obsess over hit radio singles when you were still making them. I'm sure that if you were to go find Johnny Marr or Bernard Sumner, they'd say 'thank you', too.

That's all for now, I'm sure we'll be talking again soon enough.

rocknrollscientist
06/17/05, Detroit

La Chute

I was standing on the beach with a gun in my hand, staring at the sea, staring at the sand. Then I woke up. Time to stop sitting on my hands, the Stranger has worn out its welcome.

I'm starting to feel like that punk Sysyphus. Just waiting for the rock to roll over my back.

A Kid Without Claws

My head still pounds with allergens or mucus or something, shit... I don't know anymore. Last night, for the first time ever in my life, I walked into a drug store with the intent of purchasing an allergy medication. I grew up allergy-free. My sister has been allergic to almost everything (it seems) for as long as I can remember, but I always had it easy. Now, I just don't now what to do. The symptoms rule out sinus infection, and my nose isn't running anywhere, so I assume its allergies. It is the right time of the year, I've been told.

So, I'm standing in this aisle of the drug store, bathed in fluorescence. The brightly colored boxes are yelling at me with all their different applications. Different methods of consumption (assumption?), different doses, different prices, name-brands, Rite Aid brands, what the fuck? They all have the same shit: Loratadine, which is an antihistamine. Some also have acetaminophen, but I just want decongestion. That's all. Very few of the boxes tell me that they will take care of my swollen throat and congested head. Some do, but those involve large pills that must be swallowed, and in my case will get caught up right before heading south. In the end, I remembered what a friend recommended: Alavert. Extra bonus, this one comes in tablets that dissolve in your mouth and taste minty-fresh. Side note: Tylenol has a sinus medication that features a 'mint burst'. From reading the very fine print on the box, I found that this burst happens after you swallow the pills. Doesn't that sound like acid reflux or heartburn? Why would someone want a mint burst feeling or taste or whatever after swallowing a pill? Anyway, I bought the Alavert, which was supposedly non-drowsy and '24 hours'.

After spending my last twenty dollars until Friday on this medication, I had to try it out right away. I go out to the car, and pop one out of the blister pack. Following the instructions, which I rarely do with anything, I put it on my tongue and waited for it to dissolve. Keep in mind that I don't take over the counter medications, or prescription, either if I can avoid it. I'm just not down. The pill dissolved and almost instantly, I felt a little better. Then the cynicism kicked in soon afterward, and I started thinking that I was feeling better because the pill gave me a placebo effect. Either way, that little white minty lozenge made me feel somewhat better for almost eighteen hours. Time for another!

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