Fear & (Self) Loathing

Just like a lot of kids, I loved going to McDonald's when I was younger. It was part of my childhood. Being a single mom working and going to college and raising two kids, the McDeath was a lot easier for my mom than cooking. A lot of times she would take my sister and I there in the afternoon, and I'd ask if it was lunch or dinner, and she'd say it was "lun-dinner." Looking back on it, I would've thought it was funnier if she had said it was "dunch," but eh, what can I do about it now?

I always wanted a cheeseburger, but my mom would only get me a hamburger. Back then, I thought it was about her saving those extra twenty cents, but later I realized it was because even though she was feeding us the McDeath, she was in fact, a health nut. I always complained because I wanted that slice of oily cheese food so badly. Later, I started working and having LOTS of disposable income. So, of course, I started eating all the fast food I wanted because it was my money, and I was gonna spend it the way I wanted.

As you can probably guess, this was the second phase of me being brainwashed into believing that fast food was too easy. Too fast, too simple. Why bother actually cooking at home? I didn't want to be there anyway, it was too boring (this was in the early days of the world wide web, and we had a connection slower than paint drying). So, fuck it. I'd go to McDonald's and get two Big Macs because I could. I'd go to the Burger King by the record store I worked at and get a Whaler (pre-Big Fish) and a cheeseburger, because I could. No one was stopping me.

It wasn't until I moved to Detroit that I started eating a bigger variety of food. Being a line cook at the Majestic Cafe certainly helped that. The diversity in food opened up for me, and I didn't feel like I had to lower myself to the McDeath.

Some of the first that I had was actually from Der Weinerschnitzel, a hot dog chain that seemed to be only on the west coast. I've never seen one anywhere but around LA. I was five years old at that time. Then there was also Carl's Jr, which is owned by the same company that owns Hardee's. Carl's Jr is also mostly a west coast thing, too. Then there's the Frisco Burger at Hardee's...greasy cheese and deadcow and bacon and sourdough. For a while, Rally's had this double cheeseburger with bacon and onion rings and barbecue sauce. Remember the McRib at McDonald's? A long patty of pork(?) formed into a patty that looks like a small slab of ribs then soaked in barbecue sauce. That reminds me of the Beef N' Cheddar at Arby's, and the double cheeseburger at Wendy's with so much grease that the bun turns mushy. I was once a fast food slut, I admit it.

But things are different now. Its happened so slowly over the past few years. The summer before I turned 28, I started freaking out about my health. I tried to quit smoking altogether, slow down on the drinking, and cut out the McDeath. I'm still working on the smoking thing, I've definitely cut down on drinking, and I'm slowly getting away from the fast food. There's so much self-loathing after I eat fast food now. Most of it is eaten out of pure convenience after leaving the bar and I think I need to eat something, but I really don't, I just need a Gatorade, or a big glass of water. That is the worst self-loathing, because you pull up to that drive through and sit there at the speaker staring at this huge menu with a million greasy things that sound so good, and you get three different sandwiches because you want it all, but you get home, and you can't even finish one.

The last time it happened, I was sitting at the drive through a couple months ago at the Burger King on Woodward just north of New Center. It was almost 3am on a Sunday morning, and I thought I was hungry. I looked at the menu, and saw something about bacon, cheddar, ranch. I thought it was a burger, and it sounded good, because anything's good when ranch, cheese, and salty pig are involved, right? So I order it, and I get home, and it's freaking huge! I didn't realize until then that what I ordered was the thing that Hootie sings about in that weird cartoons-come-to-life-on-acid commercial. It was basically a bunch of really big chicken strips that were really just like big hunks of deep fried batter with a little bit of chicken as flavoring on the inside. Then there was I think a drop or two of ranch in there somewhere, maybe a strip of bacon, and the cheese was melted so much that it was really just unnaturally yellow plastic soaked into the bun. Nasty. I felt like such a sucker after eating two bites of it. They got me. I ain't touching that shit ever again. No more Burger King, that's one down. The creepy plasticine 'king' in the newer commercials isn't helping anything either. The last time I ate at Arby's I had bad heart burn, so I'm done with that one because I ALWAYS get bad heart burn when I eat Arby's. Taco Bell makes me feel like shit all day, like there's a rock sitting in my stomach. The one that sticks, though is McDonald's. Its there damned Filet-O-Fish. When it's good, it's sooo good. I only go at lunch time, and I order it special with extra cheese or something so that its fresh. I could never eat any fast food again, but I would still need to have a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald's once every couple of months.

One day I'll get over it. I love to cook, but I don't always have the time. Plus, I like to cook stuff that's best if its eaten right when its made, not stuff that you cook, then throw in a tupperware bowl and eat the next day for lunch. It just isn't the same that way.