Oh, Inverted World

It's been awhile since I've given an update on the 'experiment'. I should probably stop calling that, considering I see it as a permanent thing. At the very least, my intention is permanent.

These are my recent findings: I have no problem hanging out at a bar with friends who are drinking and just talking, drinking water, playing tabletop-shuffleboard, or whatever. I got closer to the root of my problem this weekend. Friday night, I needed to escape, and that I did. I needed friends, but more than that, I needed to escape my head and what my heart was screaming at me. Good times with good people should be enough. Okay, just good people, that's all you really need to escape. But I took the easy way out. Around 1am, I threw on some clothes, texted a couple friends to see where they were, then headed straight to the GB. In the period of one hour, I threw back six vodka/sodas. Somehow, I did feel a good buzz, but I didn't feel wasted. Then I drove out to a friend's house, and had another beer. Still didn't feel falling-down drunk.

I went home, passed out in bed, and woke up around noon the next day. A close friend told me awhile ago that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Meaning you could go five years without a drink, but as soon as you do, you go back to where you left off. Your body goes into physical withdrawal right after you stop drinking. Even if it's just one beer. I get it now. I believed her and understood what she was saying when she told me, but now I really get it. It happened to me.

All day Saturday, I felt like total shit. No, let me re-phrase that, I felt like total shee-ite. Shite. Crap. It was Saturday night, I was supposed to DJ at the GB, and I was on the verge of calling my roommate to ask him to do it. Then I had the brilliant idea to eat something. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. I'm at a point where I'm so accustomed to being out late and going home, and not feeling like I have to eat something to 'soak up' the alcohol. So I didn't eat Friday night, and I hadn't eaten Friday afternoon out of situation. Saturday afternoon, food didn't sound very good. Nothing sounded good. Laying in my bed all fetal sounded like the best thing, but I couldn't do that. I know it's not right.

Full disclosure: I went through something really emotional and difficult Friday night, which contributed to wanting to lay in bed all day Saturday, and provided an excuse to escape to the warm embrace of vodka. Thank dog there was no Jameson involved...

So it's back to zero for me. The counter started over on 3/4/06. I am now two full days sober. Do over.

This weekend's experience was a relapse. It's a natural part of the process. I know this, and see it as a stepping stone.