Heart Attack American

Don't ask, because even I don't know how I come across this stuff. I was checking out Fark just now, and I came across a weird link. It's a test to see how much of a Jehovah's Witness you are. I was intrigued. Being wary of organized religion, I instantly assumed it was a test that no matter what would tell you that you're a JW, and that everyone is actually a JW, they just don't know it. The thought of this made me sick, being told that just because I may have some similar ideals, I fit in someone else's dogma. Fuck that. So, I went to the site. Here's the link. You just answer the questions, and then it tells you how much of a Jehovah's Witness you may or may not be. It turns out, the test was written by an ex-Jehovah's Witness who obviously has some issues. These are my results: "You are 30% Jehovah's Witness!" This is based on only ten questions. These ten questions could make 50% of the world at least 1% JW. It's bullshit, really, but I liked some of the explanations that were given.

How do you view the Bible?
The Bible is bunk
This is not good. The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the Bible is fully-inspired of God. They believe that "the" Bible is the collection of 66 books found in the King James version, though they also feel that their own unique translation is the best one available. If you can't accept Noah's Ark, people conversing with donkeys, and people being executed for lying about real estate transactions, then JW's probably aren't for you.
I thought that last sentence of the explanation was especially funny, because those are the sorts of reasons that make me think the bible is bunk.

What is the most important quality you look for in a church leader?
Honesty, Integrity
You might not fit in so well at a Kingdom Hall. Jehovah's Witnesses choose their leaders based first on quantities of service, then qualities listed in the Bible. Honest men of integrity that don't spend enough time in the door-to-door preaching work, or don't show up for all of the five weekly meetings will not become leaders among Jehovah's Witnesses.
The only church leaders I do respect are the ones who are genuine, honest, and full of integrity.

How often do you feel like attending church?
Once in awhile
This would be a problem. Jehovah's Witnesses have five mandatory meetings a week, usually combined into three days. If you regularly miss any of them, you would be viewed as "weak". You wouldn't have many friends, since none of them would want you to drag them down.
FIVE MANDATORY MEETINGS A WEEK?!? Who has time for that?

How much of your time do you spend in recreational/family activities?
10%
From Jehovah's Witnesses' standpoint, that's quite a bit of time to spend on non-spiritual activities. Are you attending all five weekly meetings, studying for them ahead of time, and meditating carefully on them afterward? Are you going in the door-to-door preaching work as much as possible? Are you keeping up with your reading of new Watchtower publications? It's hard to believe you're taking care of these "more important things", and still able to devote so much time to secular pursuits.
Seriously, stop the insanity! It's starting to sound more and more like a cult.

How do you feel about people controlling who your friends are?
It's none of their business
Among Jehovah's Witnesses there is very little that is 'none of their business'. This would be considered an attitude problem that you would need to work out of yourself as you 'put on the new personality'. Before you could be accepted among Jehovah's Witnesses, you would need to be willing to let them control who you associate with, what movies you see, what books you read, and even what sorts of intimacy you enjoy with your spouse.
NO outsiders will be telling me shit about what kind of "intimacy I enjoy with my spouse." The mind control stops here.

How important are your family members to you? (Mother, brothers, cousins)
I see them occasionally
This is good, since if your family members are not Jehovah's Witnesses, you will be discouraged from spending much time with them. If you do spend time with them, you'll be expected to preach to them about your new faith as much as possible. Chances are good after a few of these preaching visits, your family will want to spend even less time with you than you do with them.
Okay, it's totally a cult. There's no question any more.

You view holidays as opportunities to:
Reunite with old friends and family
Jehovah's Witnesses view all holidays as inherently bad. There are different objections to different holidays, but in the end they are all considered inappropriate. Since Jehovah's Witnesses will discourage you from spending time with your relatives anyway, they will certainly not accept you spending holidays with them. If this is truly important to you, then the Kingdom Hall is not going to work.
These people scare me almost as much as Republicans.