Night Time, Anytime, It's Alright

Somedays, like today I really wonder what I'm doing. In the past, people would want to get all of their crazy stuff out of the way while they were still young, because inevitably, they'd be married with kids and therefore unable to do anything too crazy. Is that the case? I think I see it the opposite way. I'm 28 years old, and I have my whole life ahead of me yet. I have no intention of ever having children, and I don't see marriage as something that would tie me down.

As far as I'm concerned, all I got out of the way when I was young was alcoholism, recreational pot-smoking, and quixotical overblown idealistic infatuations with women who weren't into me. I've had some time to figure out who I am, what I wanna do, and how I'm gonna do it. Sort of. Okay, not really. I know who I am, I know many things I want to do, but I have no idea how I'm going to do it.

I believe in freewill, yet I somehow believe in karmic reaction. Make any sense? No, it doesn't. I don't ascribe to any particular brand of religion, I prefer my own personal amalgamation. I take a little of this, a little of that, throw in a few contradictions to make things interesting, and I'm all set. What does this mean? It means that while there are many things I want to do in my life...I also believe that some things are meant to happen. Some people are meant to be together, some people are meant to die young, some people are meant to never know what love is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about any pre-destination Christian b.s. here. I'm talking about a sublime order of things dictated by science, and natural law, not God's law. I don't mean to get all religious on all of you, but it's a necessary explanation.

I think that by freewill, what I choose will lead me to certain situations that were meant to happen. I guess you could say that I believe in an illusion of freewill that's actually guided by the natural order of things. This may be why I have very loose plans for my future. I may appear to be indecisive most of the time, but it's really because I'm just calculating. It's also because sometimes - okay, more often that not, I find myself in the company of certain people whom I know very well. I know what I want to do, and I know what they probably want to do, but we're in disagreement, so I leave a decision up to them. I'm flexible.

Maybe I'm too flexible in my life. Fuck that. Flexibility is good. Why can't everyone be more flexible, more loose? Everyone would enjoy themselves and each other and life so much more if they could just compromise more often. Take a day off work once in awhile, say fuck it and drive to Chicago on a Tuesday night, skip school, I don't know, just don't get caught up in your superficial obligations. One of the best things in life is caring for other people and them caring for you. Pay attention to those people, and leave everything else behind once in awhile. Compromise and find a balance. I'm so flexible because I just like hanging out with my friends and my beautiful girlfriend. I'm just happy being there, it doesn't really matter what we do. I think some people put too much emphasis on planning and decision making. Oh, wait, I'm one of those people. This is where I need to get a little more flexible. I can say fuck it, whatever, okay let's do that instead, but if you make a plan with me, you better try to at least stick to part of it, okay?

Speaking of plans, I wish I could have it all figured out. I wish I could say where I'll be in a year, and what I'll be doing. I wish I could know what I could do for the rest of my life that will make me happy. There's someone in my life whom I'm close to who thinks she has some of it figured out, and maybe she does, I don't know. She thinks she's all set. Plans are in motion, education is being dealt with, plane tickets are bought and maybe she's got it all taken care of, maybe it's what she's meant to do in life.

I guess I'm just more interested in seeing where situation takes me. I'm hoping the situation will be a job that takes me to Europe for an indefinite amount of time, but that's just one of the things I'd like to do. There's so much.

Who needs a drink?