Mohammed the White Rabbit

Too many questions to ask about this one. Last weekend, my friends Tim and Erin moved into a new apartment in Hamtramck. We were out in the backyard, and the two neighbor kids had a little white rabbit with beady pink eyes. We asked where they got the rabbit, and they said they 'found' it in the basement. Then we asked what it's name was, and they said Mohammed. First of all, who finds a rabbit in their basement? It is Hamtramck, and anything can happen there, so I guess it is possible. Second, I've never heard of anyone naming a pet Mohammed. Wouldn't that be like naming a pet Jesus? This is just a small example of the endless parade of oddities one can witness in Hamtramck. If you're not already familiar, Hamtramck is 2.2 square miles of (mostly) ethnical goodness completely surrounded by the city of Detroit. I won't go into it's history, because honestly, I don't know it well enough to tell you the facts, and I'm too lazy to look it up right now. What I can tell you is that many of Detroit's Polish, middle Eastern, southeast Asian, and eastern European emigres tend to settle there. Why - I'm not sure. I do know that over 200 dialects are spoken in Hamtramck, and up until a few years ago, the city had more bars per square mile than any other place on the planet. There are bars in homes, bars across the street from each other, and next door, they're freakin' everywhere in that town. It's also home to Kowalski Sausage, American Axle Manufacturing, and Steve's Liquor. Yeah, I know most of you have no idea what Steve's Liquor is, but it's important. Steve's Liquor is one of those party stores that is all things to all people: liquor, food, porn, ATM, cigarettes, lottery, panty-hose, juicy-juice and laundry detergent. Stores like that are important to people who only shop for necessities in the middle of the night. Hamtramck's full of people like that. This is the kind of town that will go and commission a local sculptor to build a statue of the Pope, erect the statue, then refuse to pay for it. The artist actually threatened to take back the statue, so the city paid him. A few years ago, the town ran out of money and couldn't pay their police or sanitation departments. What does that mean? It means you can run all those damned stop signs and there are so many rats in the alleys that you feel like you're experiencing a biblical plague. Ham-town's also good for the Polish restaurants, bakeries, and grocery stores. There's Polish Village, which is in the basement of a building on Yemans between Gallagher and Campau and features truly authentic Polish food. Carbohydrate city. Spaetzel anyone? Right across the parking lot from Polish Village is Polonia (aka Poland Club). This one seems really cheesy inside with the beer company mirrors and red decor, but the waitresses - oh, the waitresses. Young, beautiful Polish women who can barely speak English. The food isn't too bad either, and it's never as crowded as Polish Village. Speaking of food in Hamtramck, my (and my roommates) new favorite restaurant is Salvador Deli. The deli sandwiches are good, but the best part is the brunch, served Saturday and Sunday. It's a very comfortable kinda place where you feel like you could hang out for hours lingering over coffee, cigarettes, and a book. They're always playing good music (well, almost always), the employees are all really cool. We like it. The Hamsandwich is also home to two important Detroit record stores. Detroit has very few decent record stores within it's city limits. Detroit Threads is located right on Campau just south of Caniff, and they have stacks and stacks of records, but - 99% of the records are techno or hip hop. The store also has lots of thrift clothing, which I think was their initial specialty, hence the name. Record Graveyard, also on Campau, but just north of Caniff more than makes up for Detroit Threads' lack of rock n roll. The Graveyard is owned and operated by a man named Jeff who was once a partner in the small local chain Desirable Discs. He keeps a lot of top-notch vinyl in there. Unfortunately, he knows what things are worth, and charges appropriately, but if you bring a stack o' records to the counter, he's gonna give you a deal. Well worth the trip. I could tell you about the fantabulous bars of Hamtramck, but I don't think you wanna hear about that, plus there's just so many. I'll tell you this: there are many bars in Hamtramck, and the majority of them are small neighborhood bars or old-man bars. 'Nuff said.

I think I smell a rat